META: Okay, once again, this post sucksssss. But who cares? Not me! Also, I realize that the subtitle for this post was how do you describe a person. But I don’t really talk about that at all. Instead, I just talk about myself the whole post. I’m such a narcissist. Oops.

Once I get close enough to a person, I ask them this question: How would you describe yourself in three words? It’s a little bit of a stupid question, yeah. It’s a little bit too direct and a little too pretending-to-be-deep-esque. I’ve also heard that it’s very commonly asked during interviews, though I’ve personally never been asked this. But I still like the question, and it tells me a lot about the person. I’m literally telling someone to break down their identity into three words. I should be able to know everything about them afterwards.

I started popping this question in senior year of high school. I was having a little bit of an identity crisis. I was trying to figure out whether I had a personality or not, and if I did, what it was. So I asked other people who they were to figure out who I was. I was maybe hoping to glean something from their answers. And eventually this turned into something of a quest to figure out what my own three words were.

You learn a lot when you ask someone what their three words are. Oftentimes, it doesn’t surprise you. But other times, it’s something that gives their actions clarity, and suddenly their character is put in a new light.

I’m friends with this incredibly boisterous, naturally loud, super friendly guy. He’s always ready with a funny story. In class he’ll enthusiastically act out bits and get a ton of laughs. One of his three words was theatrical. This changed my entire view of him. I’d always considered him a silly person, and he is. But at the same time, he was deliberate with his silliness. He was aware of how he presented himself, and he deliberately chose to be the silliest, most entertaining versions of himself he could be. He actively chose to be who he was, and in a way, that was shocking.

I think a reason it might be shocking is that I’d always just naturally been the way I was. I never presented myself in a way that would be consistent with a deliberately chosen identity. I’d always acted on instinct. Maybe in my senior year of high school, I’d realized that I had no idea who I was, and thus how I should act.

Figuring out my own three words took months. Well, I wasn’t actively figuring out what my own three words were the entire time. In the beginning I was just trying to find out what my identity was by figuring out what other people’s identity’s were. After asking maybe five people what their three words were, I began to seriously debate what my own three words were.

What were the three words I found myself to have?

The first one I found for myself was empathetic. I considered myself a people-person, and someone who was good at talking. (I have since changed this opinion, and it’s more nuanced now.) I also considered myself as someone kind, and being a good person was one of my core values. I found that this idea of empathy neatly bundled being a good person with social skills. I also generally liked the idea of understanding other people and really getting them.

The second word was introspective. I was once called a thinker, and I don’t really know what to think about that. I don’t really like the idea of identifying myself as a thinker because it implies that maybe other people don’t think as much, which I don’t think is true. But it might be true in a way. Maybe it wasn’t that I thought a lot, but the topic that I thought about tended to be about myself, motivation, and my place in the world. And when I looked into my past, I’d always been a little bit introspective in my thoughts. But again, introspection is an inherently independent activity, so there’s a chance that everyone introspects but they just don’t publicly share it. But I still thought I was a very introspective person.

The third word was ambitious. This was the hardest to come up with. I think this came from me being a little bit obsessed with my career for a little bit. I knew more about pursuing a career in CS than anyone else at the time. (I have since realized that I’m not special. And there are tons of people with just as much and more career knowledge. I just had some lazy friends.) And I knew my colleges better than most people too. I felt pretty well-prepared for the future, and I felt like I’d always been this way. At some point, I think I chose ambitious as a word, and started fitting my personality to it. Like—I decided I wanted to be president. This was a little bit stupid of me.

After describing myself with three words, I realized that three words could never fully encompass someone. If you threw these three words at someone, they wouldn’t picture a William Liu. This didn’t mean that my question was useless though. I learned a lot about someone’s values and how they saw themselves. I gained insight into their motivations and worldview.

Another insight I had while coming up with my own words is that the only way to describe a person is in relationship to other people. You can’t call yourself empathetic if everyone is just as empathetic as you. Because it’s not an identity then. It doesn’t describe who you are.

I’m going to list some interesting words that people have described themselves with.

Empathetic. This is actually super common. Previously, I didn’t think that there were so many empathetic people out there. It was a little bit alarming to me actually, because it meant that maybe I wasn’t empathetic and only thought I was. A friend recently pointed out to me that maybe it’s just because I surround myself with empathetic people, and these are the kind of people who would be willing to have this kind of conversation with me.

Confident. I feel like this isn’t exactly a positive trait to describe oneself. But it put so many of their actions in a new light. They weren’t crazy—they were just confident.

Carefree. There was only time I heard someone describe themself as carefree. And it was so strange to me to describe a core part of yourself as carefree. Perhaps this is because I care too much. I later discovered that this person cares perhaps more than anyone else I know, so maybe they were just trying to deny who they were.

Real. This is another common one. I think this is a common trait in people who value strong, authentic relationships, which might indicate something in their past they have to be insecure about. Because everyone who’s told me that they value being real has also struggled with social relationships a little bit.

Awkward. This was not a word I would ever use to describe myself. Not because I’m not awkward sometimes, but I feel like admitting it out loud is just terrible. But somehow, the person who described themself as awkward managed to embrace it as a core part of their identity? I’m not sure I could ever do that (this maybe demonstrates a lack of empathy).

Coming to college, I was pretty desperate to make close friends. So I just tossed this question out willy-nilly. This got me a lot of low-quality responses I think. I was maybe not close enough with these folks to get fully honest, self-investigative answers. Also, I was still going through a little bit of an identity crisis first semester, so I often found myself initiating deep conversations to complain about life.

But entering the second semester, I think I’ve changed a lot as a person. Or maybe changed is the wrong word. But I’m more solid now. I’ve found a good foundation for who I am. And recently I got pretty close to someone and I tossed my first three words question since the second semester began. (It’s been like two months since winter break.) I got a pretty typical response. And they responded with the typical what about you? And then I realized that my old three words, the ones I used as my old answer, didn’t really fit me anymore. I didn’t really resonate with them anymore. In fact, when I imagined the person who originally came up with my three words, I couldn’t help but feel that they were naive and innocent. Not that this makes me rugged and mature. But I think I’m maybe a very different person than who I used to be.

I don’t think empathetic fits me anymore. I don’t feel any more particularly empathetic than the countless empathetic people I’ve met. If anything, I’m average empathy. But some people are genuinely so considerate and caring. And also, empathy gives an image of this soft-hearted person who loves people because they’re amazing.. I think this might’ve used to be me, but not anymore. I still think people are probably good, but I don’t think I have such a simple view of people anymore.

Introspective doesn’t work anymore either. Since winter break, I haven’t really introspected too hard. Or, I still think, at least. (Again, I think most people think.) But instead of thinking about myself and what I want to do, I’m thinking about how to get what I want to do done. And it’s a lot less stressful. Life is a lot better knowing who I am. And I haven’t had had nearly as many deep conversations I had last semester. And I don’t really like the thought of myself as a philosophical person. I feel like philosophical people are upset with life, and I don’t want to give that image.

And I really don’t know about ambitious anymore. It’s too general, I think. I’m not sure. Also, I don’t really want to be president. I heard that everybody at Harvard said that they’re going to be president, and that made me realize that it was a little cringe of me to say that I was going to be president. And I think I’ve found what I want to do. Or at least have a general idea, and this ambiguous idea of ambitiousness isn’t enough to describe what I want.

So I think I’ve come to a couple new words. Actually, some of them are not words at all, but concepts bundled up into little phrases. Words were never enough to describe a full person, but I don’t think I can come up with the right words to describe even a part of me now.

My first attribute is like communication-skills/speaking/people-pleasing. This isn’t to say I have amazing communication skills or anything. I think I just spend a lot of time thinking about social matters, maybe even a little bit of an unhealthy amount. I think I try to work on my speaking skills a lot. I really want to be the best speaker I can be. And I’d love to one day have the gravitas of an Obama but with more approachability or something. And I spend a lot of time thinking about people.

My second attribute is like a hard version of curiosity. I want to know things to understand people and situations better. I don’t just say curiosity, because that implies the desire of knowledge for the sake of knowledge. I want to know things in order to better relate to people and navigate through life better. I’d like to have more accurate opinions. So I’m not really learning for the sake of learning, but to be a more effective person. I don’t like how this trait and the previous trait come together though. It almost gives an impression of a ruthless businessman, and I don’t like that.

And my third attribute is a like a form of optimism. It’s this idea that everything will work out. And that I can do anything I want if I really tried. And I think generally, when bad things happen, whether it be poor test grades or friends drifting apart, I’m not really one to get worried.

In conclusion, I’ve changed plenty, and I have a firmer grasp of who I am now. Though, again, three words are nowhere near enough to describe a person in their entirety. But it’s a good glance at who someone thinks they are, and gives little insights into their motivations and inner world.